Alberto Gonzales, professional boob

Before Gonzo's testimony, Le Sweetie and I imagined him practicing his answers in advance with his family, trying to keep his stories straight. Yet it wasn't enough to save his testimony or his reputation. One can only imagine why...

Gonzo kidlet: "Daddy, why do you have to keep saying, 'I don't know' and 'I don't remember'?"

Gonzo: "Because this is a very important hearing. Now you're going to pretend you're Senator Schumer."

Gonzo kidlet: "Yo! I'm tawkin' ta you, Alberto!"

Gonzo: "Sweetie, Senator Schumer doesn't talk like that."

Gonzo kidlet: "You said he was from Brooklyn, Daddy."

Gonzo (sighing): "Okay, pretend you're Senator Leahy instead."

Gonzo kidlet: "Go fuck yourself, Gonzales!"

Gonzo (gasps): "WHERE did you learn to talk like that?"

Gonzo kidlet: "Senators say 'fuck' all the time!"

Gonzo: "Not senators. Only vice presidents like Uncle Dick, honey."

Gonzo kidlet: "Ooooh. Uncle Dick's not coming over, is he? He's scary."

Gonzo: "No, he is not. Now, pretend you're a senator and ask me a question."

Gonzo kidlet: "Why were those attorneys fired?"

Gonzo: "I don't know."

Gonzo kidlet: "Did anyone talk to you about the attorneys being fired?"

Gonzo: "I don't remember."

Gonzo kidlet: "Daddy, aren't you supposed to tell the truth? Isn't it illegal to lie to Congress? My teacher says it's perjury to lie and that's why Uncle Scooter is in jail."

Gonzo: "It isn't perjury. It's a hearing, not a trial, and there won't be any lying. It's something different. Sometimes, you can tell only part of the truth. And that's not lying."

Gonzo kidlet: *shakes head*

Gonzo: "Like, if someone talks to me about the attorneys, that is one thing. They may be talking about if the attorneys did a good job, or if they're nice to Uncle George and Uncle Karl. They may ask who the attorneys voted for last year. But that's not the same thing as asking about attorneys getting fired."

Gonzo kidlet: "Daddy, Mommy says we're moving to Mexico soon. Is that true?"

Gonzo: *looks stunned* "W-well...*stammers some more*...that's where Grandma and Grandpa Gonzales came from. Mexico! And if we go to Mexico, we'll meet a lot of family members we haven't seen in a long time. Won't that be nice? And it'll be warm in Mexico and they'll have nice food, and..."

Gonzo kidlet: "Mexico isn't in U.S. jurisdiction. Is that why we're moving?"

Gonzo: "Jurisdiction. Where did you hear that big word?"

Gonzo kidlet: "Mommy says we are going to stay there until a statue of limitations runs out."

Gonzo: "That's statute, honey. Statute. Wow. You've learned a lot of new words today. Um...um...gee, where do I begin?"

Gonzo kidlet: "Daddy, Spongebob is on. Can I go watch?"