The Truffle

While I'm waiting for La Hill's convention speech, here's a break from it all for something of true importance: proof , as if you ever needed it, that Britney Spears can't sing.

This is Sia, a hugely talented Australian chanteuse. Singing "Gimme More." Yes, the same song Britney "performed" at the VMAs. If there's ever a Britney tribute album, maybe we'll get to hear what the songs sound like when sung by people who can actually sing.

Britney Spears is thinking of converting to Islam. Four years ago, she couldn't identify Hinduism ("Is it like Kabbalah?"). But now she's dating some sleazy married paparazzo and she's ready to change religions for him. In the words of a Moroccan blogger: And all I can say is: Our nut house is full, Britney. Please take up another religion, we have enough crazies of our own. Still, it would be hilarious of Britney converted and Bin Laden issued a fatwa against her, seeing as how she's the symbol of Western decadence. Speaking of Bin Laden, one of his kids is thinking of becoming a peace activist. Alas, the kid hasn't figured out that his father is a really bad guy, and thus has yet to renounce him. "My father is asking for a truce but I don't think there is any government (that) respects him. At the same time they do not respect him, why everywhere in the world, they want to fight him? There is a contradiction," he said. See? I told you...

Lynne Spears, mother of Britney, is writing a parenting book. Religious publisher Thomas Nelson said it will publish "Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World," by Lynne Spears. Nelson spokesman Curt Harding said the book, to be out next spring, will be about Lynne Spears' raising three children and will have a religious element. There's a religious element to teenage girls dressing in push-up bras for soft-core photos in rock magazines? Who knew? From the comments section (blame the commenter for the caps/typos): PARENTING BOOK?? AND HER OWN CHILD IS BUCK WILD, BABY PLEASE!!! THAT BOOK IS A DAY LATE, IF SHE WAS ANY KIND OF MOTHER BRIT WOUDLNT BE SO OUT OF CONTROL THATS THE BLIND LEADING THE BLIND What kind of dolt thought this was a good idea? Answer: the same kinds of people who think Broadway belters like Ethel Merman were tailor-made for disco.

Ladies and gentlemen... Starbuck's new Britney-themed drink: the Mess-o-cino. Speaking of Britney, it seems her new video for "Gimme More" isn't much better than her VMA performance. From People , one of the few magazines to continuously kiss her butt, comes a collection of negative reviews. Which in turn, leads to this assessment from my favorite entertainment mag, Entertainment Weekly . The moral of the story is, if you're going to build an entire video around a stripper pole, then you better work said pole like a nine-to-five. Drop it like it's hot. Throw a leg up over your head. Hire one of the elegant ladies of HBO's G-String Divas, and have her teach you that daring move where you hang upside down by your legs and spin with reckless abandon. Alas, in the case of "Gimme More," I've seen sexier pole work during an afternoon of fly-fishing.

I skipped Britney Spears' VMA debacle to handle more important matters--namely, the laundry. Following that, I watched my latest Netflix pick, The Lookout. Sure, I read all the snarky commentary about the clueless, out-of-shape Spears and her crappy hair weave. I watched the online clip of the pop puppet wandering around the stage, occasionally stopping to gyrate and lip synch. But really, what did people expect? A dazzling return to the stage a la Tina Turner? A repeat of other VMAs, where Spears did "shocking" and "newsworthy" things like kiss Madonna and dance with snakes? Where have they been since 2004 anyway? Enough of Britney Spears. Let's talk about The Lookout. It's an indie film that came out earlier this year, starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt (aka Tommy from 3rd Rock from the Sun ) as a brain-damaged former high school jock and Jeff Daniels (from The Squid and the Whale ) as his blind roommate. The movie's about 60 percent charact...

...I so want the Britney/K-Fed custody battle to begin. Sooner rather than later. Perhaps it'll be the climax of the Great Britney Meltdown and after it's done, she'll just go home to Louisiana and retire from performing. (What am I saying? She's been retired since about 2004.) Please, let it happen.

Britney Spears is a pop star with class, savvy, and a sense of style. Which is why she was horrified when a radio station began using her in ads. Britney Spears is threatening legal action against a Florida radio station that used a bald-headed photo of the pop star on billboards that appear to call her sanity into question. In a June 14 letter to Clear Channel Communications lawyer Donna Schneider, Spears's counsel claims that the billboards promoting the MJ Morning Show were "outrageous to the extreme" and demanded their removal...According to the star's lawyer, Spears's "likeness has a multi-million-dollar value for authorized commercial exploitations" and, as a result, she is entitled to "very substantial damages" from Clear Channel. The MJ Morning Show airs on several stations across Florida. The Spears billboards, which first appeared in April, advertised the program in Tampa, Jacksonville, and Clearwater. The ads in question: Actually,...

Looks like Britney Spears' return to the stage was not the triumphant comeback her fans prayed it would be. After she kept fans waiting for about three hours, she came onstage for a a 15-minute set. She lip-synced five songs, did a few rudimentary, graceless dance moves, and (apparently) chomped gum. Britney can chew gum and lip sync at the same time? Wow, I guess she really does have talent. File under "not even trying" is the title of one blog post. And Michael Ventre is rolling his eyes as he ponders Britney's remaining fans. The bar for pop fans seems to get lower and lower. But now it may have hit the ground altogether. When a form of entertainment segues into abuse, it’s time to seek other forms of entertainment. I don’t want to call anyone who spent that kind of money so that Britney could keep hundreds waiting for three hours and then play for about 15 minutes a complete simpleton. That would be unfair to complete simpletons. At what point is it finally...

Duran Duran-loving Dwanollah has written the ideal primer for today's girls: Twenty Things Every Girl Can Learn from Britney Spears . Yes, it seems the pop star-turned-trainwreck has a lot of lessons to teach those teenage girls who are now, no doubt, kicking themselves for buying her records back in 2000. ("I thought she was the prettiest pop princess ever. I was eight years old. Someone please KILL ME NOW!") She’s not just America’s Sweet Pop Princess... or even America’s Former Sweet Pop Princess. Rather, she’s a shining, golden example to us all about what people, especially teenaged girls, need to learn as they grow to adulthood. Spend a little time looking at Britney’s life and choices, and suddenly, a whole lot of things become clearer, and pivotal life lessons – especially for young women – become more obvious. Like, smack-you-upside-the-head obvious. Thought-provoking and recommended. Seriously.