Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Delayed AGAIN? C'mon, Pantload, what're you waiting for?

Sad news from the Nation of Wingnutia. Jonah Goldberg's oft-ridiculed and still-unpublished manifesto on liberal fascism has been pushed back yet again--to January 8, 2008. Notes Roger Ailes:

It now comes out on Elvis Presley's birthdate, (and will probably die on the toilet much soon than did the King).

Ha! Obviously, Mommy's money is keeping Doughy Pantload afloat financially and he feels no need to rush this thing. Durig the course of the book's publication, he's been especially creative with subtitles, throwing in names like Hegel, Hillary Clinton, Mussolini, and Whole Foods.

Wait a sec. WHOLE FOODS?!?!?

Anyway, this week the working title for the book is: Liberal Fascism: The Secret History of the American Left, From Mussolini to the Politics of Meaning. Awwwwwwww. Why can't he stick Hillary's name in there, like he did in the first place? Or at least throw in Barack Obama. I mean, Obama's middle name is Hussein, after all. Which means he's a dirty Islamofascist. Right, Doughboy?

More intriguing is the new publisher's description:

Liberal Fascism offers a startling new perspective on the theories and practices that define fascist politics. Replacing conveniently manufactured myths with surprising and enlightening research, Jonah Goldberg reminds us that the original fascists were really on the left, and that liberals from Woodrow Wilson to FDR to Hillary Clinton have advocated policies and principles remarkably similar to those of Hitler's National Socialism and Mussolini's Fascism.

Contrary to what most people think, the Nazis were ardent socialists (hence the term “National socialism”). They believed in free health care and guaranteed jobs. They confiscated inherited wealth and spent vast sums on public education. They purged the church from public policy, promoted a new form of pagan spirituality, and inserted the authority of the state into every nook and cranny of daily life. The Nazis declared war on smoking, supported abortion, euthanasia, and gun control. They loathed the free market, provided generous pensions for the elderly, and maintained a strict racial quota system in their universities—where campus speech codes were all the rage. The Nazis led the world in organic farming and alternative medicine. Hitler was a strict vegetarian, and Himmler was an animal rights activist.

Do these striking parallels mean that today’s liberals are genocidal maniacs, intent on conquering the world and imposing a new racial order? Not at all. Yet it is hard to deny that modern progressivism and classical fascism shared the same intellectual roots. We often forget, for example, that Mussolini and Hitler had many admirers in the United States. W.E.B. Du Bois was inspired by Hitler's Germany, and Irving Berlin praised Mussolini in song. Many fascist tenets were espoused by American progressives like John Dewey and Woodrow Wilson, and FDR incorporated fascist policies in the New Deal.

Fascism was an international movement that appeared in different forms in different countries, depending on the vagaries of national culture and temperament. In Germany, fascism appeared as genocidal racist nationalism. In America, it took a “friendlier,” more liberal form. The modern heirs of this “friendly fascist” tradition include the New York Times, the Democratic Party, the Ivy League professoriate, and the liberals of Hollywood. The quintessential Liberal Fascist isn't an SS storm trooper; it is a female grade school teacher with an education degree from Brown or Swarthmore.

Man, I knew there was something seriously creepy about my elementary school--and it wasn't the sixth grade teacher with the bad breath and the lame toupee. On that note, a little homage to Le Pantload and his latest addition to America's book remainder bins.

Kindergarten Uber Alles
(sung to the tune of the Dead Kennedys’ “California Uber Alles”)

Hello kids, I’m Mrs. Brown
What’s your name? We’ll go around
I’m the teacher of this class

Mom and Dad have gone away
Your free lives will end today
Your young minds are not your own
I will make you government drones
I will make you government drones

Kindergarten uber alles!
Kindergarten uber alles!
Uber alles! Kindergarten!
Uber alles! Kindergarten!

Propaganda will be next
Here’s Mein Kampf--it's your new text
Sez the new ruler on the Hill
(Here's a hint: her husband's Bill)

You live in a godless world
Where the boys are just like girls
I'll rid you of Christian taint
So shut up and finger paint
So shut up and finger paint

Kindergarten uber alles!
Kindergarten uber alles!
Uber alles! Kindergarten!
Uber alles! Kindergarten!

Now we’re going to take a nap
You ate lunch, so cut the crap
And I'll hear if some little creep
Mutters "Dick Cheney" in her sleep

Lights are on and one cot's bare
There's a child who's gone, but where?
Well, kids we've received the word
Your young friend has been "transferred"

It’s my job to re-educate
Little enemies of the state
Listen up, you little clowns
To your teacher, Mrs. Brown!
To your teacher, Mrs. Brown!

Kindergarten uber alles!
Kindergarten uber alles!
Uber alles! Kindergarten!
Uber alles! Kindergarten!

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